The Gang Kills Deadpool
By Angela Kucera
Everyone wants a Deadpool movie. Literally everyone, even your grandmother, who has never heard of a Deadpool but knows she wants a movie about it. Babies are being born saying “if I don’t get my Deadpool movie soon I’m going right the fuck back up there I swear to god”.
I don’t know when or why this started. Was it the terrible Deadpool in the first Wolverine movie (Wolverine Origins aka Wolverine, as opposed to Wolverine 2 which was THE Wolverine)? Was it the general boredom with gritty but righteous superheroes (because god save us from another “I have a city to save WHERE ARE THE DRUGS I am gonna murder the shit out of the last member of my race” superhero movie)? Because that I understand.
But what I really don’t understand is what sort of Deadpool movie people think they are going to get. Do they think they’ll get some wacky, actually accurate movie? Or do people really want some sort of gritty, dark “I am so full of man-pains and troubles that this spandex suit can barely contain them” mess (see: Man of Steel, assuming you replace spandex for Kryptonian spandex/leather hybrid).
So here’s the Deadpool movie I’m proposing, based on my extensive knowledge of the character (read: I’ve seen some stuff on the internet and I hear he really likes food trucks):
Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly as Deadpool, in an Office-style “breaking the fourth wall” thing where he works in a taco truck. Minimal superheroing, because let’s be realistic here: any superheroing that Deadpool does is accidental. He’s not a superhero, he’s a special magic man in a suit who likes doing disgusting things (Charlie work), making nonsense (hornets in a box), and probably writing weird plays. Hell, Wade Wilson probably eats cat food when nobody’s looking, we don’t know!
That’s the sort of Deadpool movie the world needs. Not another “OH GOD THE TRAGEDY AND THE PUNCHING” spectacle, not another “LOOK HOW MUCH WE QUIP HAVE WE QUIPPED EVERYONE TO DEATH” (+punching) extravaganza. Just a regular nonsense movie, like some sort of Super Troopers meets The Brave and the Bold meets It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia mess that has no real plot beyond “this man is ridiculous, how can we best showcase the fact that he is his own Infinity Gem of nonsense?” There are enough gritty, sad superhero movies thanks to DC. The current run of Marvel movies has the market cornered on “+10 punching, +25 heart”, so that role is filled. But both of those leave a giant, gaping void that a nonsense Deadpool movie would fill: the fact that superheroes are ridiculous creatures. They’re people (and aliens, and robots, and mutants) who run around in spandex and punch danger in the face. The fact that there’s no ridiculous silliness in there, is leaving out the best part of comics.
I’m not saying that a Deadpool movie shouldn’t have fighting or witty dialog, I’m just saying that the focus of the movie shouldn’t be either of those things. The focus should be on the fact that Deadpool himself is absolutely ridiculous, and the best things to see him do are perfectly normal things.
Picture buying a soda from Deadpool. Deadpool checking your coat somewhere. Deadpool fitting you for a bra. Any of those things is better than whatever garbage-filled punch-a-thon Ryan Reynolds (god bless his abs) would shit out. Ryan Reynolds wants to be Deadpool, he wants to bring that to the screen, but he doesn’t have the necessary qualities to do it. He’s not ridiculous. He’s muscles and frowning faces and terrible Green Lantern-ness.
Ryan Reynolds would never do this, and this is what Deadpool needs, this is what Deadpool is: